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A joke I told last night in my dream

(Me and a tall man I’ve only just met are walking around. He suddenly has to change into a costume in a small car on the side of the road. To accomplish this with a modicum of privacy, he must bend over so only his back is visible from the sidewalk, curled over the back seat. He rustles around and looks to be doing something more deviant. Some pre-teens walk by and eye the car and me, who is standing only a few feet away from the car, doing a shit job keeping look out, and react accordingly to the apparently perverse scene they’ve come across.)

Me: It’s okay, he’s just uh…(looks into the car for some guidance)
Guy: (whispering harshly) EASTER BUNNY
Me: He’s just Easter Bunnying himself.

(The girls react with disgust and begin to walk away.)

Me: (suggestively) You know… Alone. In his car?

Why he wanted to stay my friend after that was a real mystery.

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Yaquina Bay, Newport, OR. This picture is an outtake after my client’s sister asked, “THAT’S the face you want to make?” when she captures my uni-bomber impression.

Yaquina Bay, Newport, OR. This picture is an outtake after my client’s sister asked, “THAT’S the face you want to make?” when she captures my uni-bomber impression.

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Who needs to be internet/Tumblr famous when Libby is my friend?

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My 65-year-old mother: Bye honey! Catch you on the flips side!

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Enough with the tomatoes already Mom

Mom: Do you want to take any pears home with you?
Me: No thanks, we’ve got pears already.
Mom: Just a couple?
Me: Oh, no thanks. We really have enough.
Mom: Okay…(20 seconds later) OH! Do you need any tomatoes?
Me: Nope! We have a lot already.
Mom: Okay fiiiiine

(A little over 10 minutes later…)

Mom: (Holding up a large tomato) Did I tell you we have Brandywines? Look at this huge Brandywine. Do you want some?
Me: Mom, we seriously don’t need *any* tomatoes.
Mom: But this is a Brandywine!
Me: NO MEANS NO, MOM.

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Still alive

Still alive

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libbyier:

eeheatsink:

Look, I hate to be a stickler but this was the worst flier I’ve ever seen, and a complete disappointment after attending the event it advertised.
1) There were no mittens, good or bad.
2) The promise of multiple water slides was unfulfilled. There was only one small water slide that deposited you abruptly on the dry grass.
3) Croquet would have been nice, but where was it? Rained out by the water slide? What’s a tournæment? Now we’ll never know!
4) Despite the jarring clipart (you couldn’t find one without a million watermarks?) of young people playing songs at a birthday BBQ, there was no music. Or party hats.
5) The only accurately represented activity on this flier is basketball, which the kids played a lot of. And yet it received zero exclamation points. Maybe because it was a mandatory activity.

I can’t believe this is real. This is like something I would make if I was making something bad on purpose. I love it so much

This flier is real if you just believe in it in your heart. Also if you look at this picture of me holding it.

libbyier:

eeheatsink:

Look, I hate to be a stickler but this was the worst flier I’ve ever seen, and a complete disappointment after attending the event it advertised.

1) There were no mittens, good or bad.

2) The promise of multiple water slides was unfulfilled. There was only one small water slide that deposited you abruptly on the dry grass.

3) Croquet would have been nice, but where was it? Rained out by the water slide? What’s a tournæment? Now we’ll never know!

4) Despite the jarring clipart (you couldn’t find one without a million watermarks?) of young people playing songs at a birthday BBQ, there was no music. Or party hats.

5) The only accurately represented activity on this flier is basketball, which the kids played a lot of. And yet it received zero exclamation points. Maybe because it was a mandatory activity.

I can’t believe this is real. This is like something I would make if I was making something bad on purpose. I love it so much

This flier is real if you just believe in it in your heart. Also if you look at this picture of me holding it.

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Based on a joke Daniel once told when we started dating

Signs of Pizza Addiction or Dependence:

*You cannot quit eating pizza or control how much you eat pizza.
*You need to eat more pizza to get the same effect.
*You have withdrawal symptoms, when you stop eating pizza. These include feeling full, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety.
*You spend a lot of time eating pizza and recovering.
*You have given up other activities so you can eat pizza.

Other signs include:

*You eat pizza in the morning, are often full of pizza for long periods of time, or eat pizza alone.
*You change what you eat, such as switching from pepperoni to Hawaiian because you think that doing this will help you eat less or keep you from getting tired of one kind of pizza.
*You feel guilty after pizza. 
*You make excuses for your pizza eating or do things to hide your pizza eating, such as buying pizza at different stores.
*You worry that you won’t get enough pizza for an evening or weekend.
*You feel like you have to have a slice of pizza in your hands to have a good time.

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